Finding Comfort
by Flamebyrd
Summary: In which Kakyou finds it in his heart to comfort the one that loved the one that killed the one that Kakyou loved most. (Completed! New content in Chapters 4 and 5.)
1. Prologue / Chapter One

_This is mostly based on X: An Omen and Kristin Olsen's X translations, since I don't have access myself to the relevant volumes of manga. Therefore I apologise for any errors incurred by poking my nose into things I don't truly understand.  
  
That said, this has spoilers for practically everything in X that relates to Kakyou and Subaru, including the most recent events in Asuka. If you don't know what I mean, don't read this._  
  
**Finding Comfort  
**  
**Prologue**  
  
In the beginning, Kakyou had no one. There was no one in his family that showed him any love - he was alone in his room with only his dreams for company. There was little comfort to be found in visions of the future.  
  
Then, She had come and Kakyou began to feel something he knew must be love. She was charming and beautiful and didn't seem to care one way or another about what his Power meant. He liked that. It meant she saw him for himself, and not simply as a dreamgazer.  
  
But She loved someone else more. It would have been very easy for Kakyou to feel resentment, even jealousy, towards that person were it not her brother whom she loved more than anyone else in the world. He told himself it was a fine emotion and she should be congratulated for being so devoted, until the day she gave her own life so that her brother could live.  
  
He saw what would happen in his dreams, but no attempt he made could change the future. Wounded and defeated, he retreated into his Dreamscape, determined never to open human contact again. It was easy, in his isolation, to begin to hate the Sumeragi boy, just as much as he hated the man that had killed Her. The Sumeragi should not have let her do that for him, he should have returned his sister's devotion and prevented such a thing from ever happening.  
  
Still, Hate needs constant fuel in order to burn brightly. And when it came down to it, the Sumeragi was no better than he, was he? Just as Kakyou had, the Sumeragi had retreated into his own mind after a trauma. And what he saw of Subaru in his dreams did little to convince Kakyou of his indifference towards his sister.  
  
No, Subaru had loved his sister very, very much. And slowly, Kakyou's anger faded into pity - pity for himself; pity for everyone else She had left behind; pity for the man that her taken her from this world. That one could put out such a bright light in the world and never comprehend why it was a tragedy - that was what he pitied about the man and that was what he hated.  
  
Now, the Thirteenth Head of the Sumeragi Clan stood in his Dreamscape. The man whom Kakyou had hated for so long was dead by Subaru's hand, the result of a spell cast by that girl he had loved so much.  
  
And Subaru was broken.   
  
In the Dreamscape, standing face to face with the Sumeragi for the first time, he saw that both of Subaru's eyes were green, like Hers had been. But where Hers had been joyful and full of life, his were dark and full of sorrow.   
  
He knew, of course, that in the real world one of those eyes was not green at all - it had belonged to the Sakurazukamori himself and was brown like honey. It signified that Subaru was now Sakurazukamori and a Dragon of Earth, although Kakyou had yet to See him kill somebody.  
  
Subaru said to him, "F--'Kamui' told me that you knew my sister."  
  
He nodded. "She was a very special person," he said softly, "We would talk for hours about nothing and that was fine because we were such friends," he added, when Subaru only gave him a doubtful look. Only somebody that had known Her would be able to say something like that.  
  
He could forgive the Sumeragi for being suspicious. Kakyou himself would not trust what Fuuma said to be any more than empty words, carefully gauged to suit his purpose.  
  
Effortlessly, he shifted the dream around him to represent the ocean she had shown him. "She told him she loved the sea," he added, as explanation for the sudden change of scenery.  
  
Subaru took another step forward, before collapsing to his knees in the sand. "I miss her," he whispered hoarsely. "Even after all this time, it still hurts so much..."  
  
No, it was impossible to feel any resentment for Subaru - only pity. Such a hopeless, pathetic creature he had become. Still, the Sumeragi was not unworthy of comfort. If the 'Kamui' of the Dragons of Earth could show Kakyou compassion, Kakyou could surely give Subaru some of his own.  
  
A gentle arm around the shoulder was all it took for quiet tears to fall. Kakyou held him until the sand beneath them was wet and Subaru's eyes were dry.  
  
"I never really cried for her before," said Subaru, softly.   
  
"Why?" he asked.  
  
"Because there was nobody who loved her to hear..." Subaru trailed off into silence.  
  
Kakyou didn't speak again, he just simply held the Sumeragi for as long as he could. For healing, perhaps, it was still not enough. He thought that Subaru's wound, like his own, could never be truly healed.  
  
But if Subaru could find some comfort in his arms and lessen the sorrow that darkened the Sumeragi's eyes, it would be worth it for Kakyou.  
  
He owed it to Sumeragi Hokuto.  
  


~ * ~  


**Chapter One  
**  
Subaru awoke from his dream, blinking into the darkness. He felt his cheeks begin to heat with embarrassment as he recalled what he had been dreaming about.   
  
Sighing, he decided he wasn't going to get any more sleep and got up. The mirror was cold and unforgiving, and Seishirou's eye seemed to be accusing him every time he looked into it. He ignored the little voice that informed him that it had only been kissing, and barely even that.   
  
"You're cute when you pout," said a vaguely familiar voice as Subaru leaned over to turn out the lamp. Silhouetted in the morning sunlight, the 'Kamui' of the Dragons of Earth leant against the doorframe, regarding the onmyouji with an eyebrow raised in what Subaru supposed was an appreciative manner. "Did _he_ ever tell you that?"  
  
Seishirou hadn't. Subaru turned to face 'Kamui', not amused. "Was there some specific reason for your being here," he asked, attempting to sound more confident than he actually felt, "or are you just in my doorway for the fun of it?"  
  
The 'Kamui' smirked, and stepped forward to kneel on the floor next to Subaru. "Just admiring the view, as they say," he said, smoothly. "The eye suits you," he continued, reaching out as if to touch the lashes that obscured it.  
  
Subaru slapped the hand away and stepped away from the mirror. "I have no more interest in you than I did your twin star," he said, stiffly. "So I would appreciate it if you would refrain from such comments in my presence." He left the bathroom before the repercussions of this uncharacteristic behaviour could make themself known. Attractive ones or not, Subaru was not enamoured of teenagers and never had been.  
  
Hokuto had first decided her brother was gay when they had hit puberty, but he had blushingly denied any such thing until the evidence became too obvious to deny. Still, he resolved to do nothing about it and to carry on his duties as Clan Head regardless. He could live with being alone and his attraction to men meant nothing if he never acted on it.  
  
Then, he met Seishirou-san.  
  
A week after they met, he shyly confided to his sister that he found himself extremely attracted to the older man. He instantly regretted it as she took it upon herself as a personal crusade to make sure her brother and the friendly veterinarian became a couple.  
  
Now, at the less tender age of twenty-five, he wondered how much pain could have been prevented had he not admitted that simple fact to his sister. If his sister had not had such absolute faith in the man, would Subaru have been so eager to trust a member of the Sakurazuka clan?  
  
"You shouldn't dwell so much on the past, Sumeragi-san," said Fuuma from behind him.  
  
Subaru ignored him, escaping to the relative safety of Kakyou's room and locking the door behind him.  
  
"What else is there to think of?" he muttered to himself as he pulled up a chair beside the bedside. "My future? I have none."  
  
"The future is not yet decided," Kakyou reminded him, even before Subaru realised he had slipped into a dreamscape. "No matter what he thinks."  
  
Subaru needed a cigarette, but when he patted his pockets he found them empty. "I don't think I was ever that obnoxious as a teenager," he muttered, speaking of Fuuma.  
  
Kakyou remained silent, but he seemed amused.   
  


~ * ~  


  
"I don't think I was ever that obnoxious as a teenager," muttered Subaru, obviously speaking of Fuuma.   
  
Kakyou hid a smile. So far as he knew, Subaru had been the antithesis of obnoxious as a teenager.   
  
The Sumeragi's appearance in the dreamscape had altered to more accurately reflect his physical appearance. Kakyou wondered at what the significance of that was and whether it meant Subaru was beginning to accept the changes within himself. He seemed to have gained a bitter sense of humour, at any rate.  
  
Subaru sat down on one of the rocks surrounding them, looking out to the ocean. "I had an odd dream last night," he began.  
  
Kakyou wisely remained silent.  
  
"I won't tell you what it was about," he continued, blushing faintly, "but it made me realise something." Subaru took a deep breath. "I don't need to care about what people think of me. I don't have a clan any more. Grandmother will drag out some distant cousin to take my place, and the last of the Sakurazuka clan is dead by her own son's hand."  
  
The dreamgazer waited patiently.  
  
"I guess this is my way of saying I'm going to stop moping and start living again," he said, with a weak smile. "Assuming I get the chance."  
  
"What are you going to do?" asked Kakyou, curiously.  
  
Subaru's eyes looked distant for a moment. "Leave this place," he said quietly. "I'd like to go somewhere far away." He stood up, and turned to face Kakyou with his hand outstretched. "Come with me?" he asked, for a moment looking so much like his sister that it took Kakyou several moments to choke out a reply.  
  
"That would sentence one of the Seals to death," he said.  
  
Subaru paused for a moment. "After the promised day, then. But I don't feel I can stay here any more."  
  
"Why don't you just go home?"  
  
He shrugged. "I'm not the same person any more. I can't see that place as home to me. Not in any way."  
  
Kakyou frowned, running through the memories he had of his dreams. "You have his apartment key, do you not?" he said.  
  
The Sumeragi blinked, startled. "I do, yes. Are you saying I could move there?"  
  
"You're the Sakurazukamori, aren't you?"  
  
Subaru's expression turned dark for a moment. "Yes, I suppose I am." His gaze fell to his hands, where the inverted pentagrams lay dormant. "Will you come with me?"  
  
Kakyou shrugged. "You barely know me," he protested, softly.  
  
"She did mention you once," said Subaru, idly tracing around the pentagram with a finger. "She told me about this boy she'd been talking to and asked if I knew anything about dreamgazers." He smiled in wistful amusement. "I told her that was more grandmother's division than mine, and she made a face."  
  
Kakyou felt an ache he hadn't even realised was there gently dissolve in his heart. He had never been quite certain she had ever really been there, let alone had any intention of setting him free. "And then she died," he said, very quietly.  
  
"I'm sorry," said Subaru, uncomfortably. "I would have stopped her, if I had known."  
  
He nodded. "I know."  
  
"It's good, I think, to talk about it. That's why I asked you to come with me," continued Subaru.  
  
"Is it?" said Kakyou, raising his eyebrows.  
  
"That, and... I don't want to become like Seishirou-san. I don't want to be alone any more."  
  
"You're the Sakurazukamori. You accepted his eye." He folded his arms, waiting to see how Subaru would respond to this.  
  
"That doesn't mean I want to _be_ him." Subaru was silent for a moment. "How to explain this... I wanted to keep a part of him alive, because he was the first person I ever loved and I can never forget that. But I don't want to become any more like Seishirou-san than I have to. I'm not going to be killing anybody that doesn't deserve to die, and apparently I _do _have the right to judge."  
  
Kakyou nodded, slowly. "May I ask a personal question?" Subaru nodded. "Not long ago you were simply content to mope around and lament your past," he said bluntly. "What's changed?"  
  
Subaru blinked. "I guess... I lost faith in my position as Sumeragi Head because I could see I could never save anybody, and that it was pointless to try when I lacked faith in myself." He frowned, and then smiled weakly. "I feel I have something to live for now."  
  
Kakyou looked out at the waves crashing on the sand. "I think I understand."  
  
"And..." Subaru looked very uncomfortable. "I have to go out." He muttered something about work, and insistent trees.  
  
"Will you be back?" asked Kakyou.  
  
Subaru nodded. "I won't leave without saying goodbye." He seemed to be assuming Kakyou would not be coming.  
  
Kakyou released Subaru from the dreamscape and sat in silence, watching the waves, for a long time. He hadn't been in a true coma for several years. Onmyouji like Subaru called this kind of withdrawal "going within", but he had never seen it quite like that. It had just been convenient, staying in this void where only people he wished to see could talk to him.   
  
Slowly, as if it pained him to do so, Kakyou dissolved the dreamscape and voluntarily opened his eyes for the first time in nine years. 


	2. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**  
  
It was three days before Subaru returned to City Hall. The job was more difficult than he had predicted, with new complications constantly springing up and making his target harder to catch.   
  
The actual killing was the easiest part of any job. He simply had to reach out with his power and stop his target's heart. It was the prelude to the death that was the hardest part - getting to know his target, assuring himself the death would harm none and help many. Some he did not even need to kill - a simple touch to the mind and sealing of memories in stone and they were free to live.  
  
He told the tree in no uncertain terms that it belonged to the Sakurazuka family, not him, and that he would feed it when he saw fit and only then. Grudgingly, the Tree had accepted his terms. Still, he found himself feeding it far more often than he would have liked. There were many depraved individuals in this city.   
  
The first thing he noticed when he opened Kakyou's door was that he was not instantly whisked into a dreamscape.  
  
The second was Kakyou himself, sitting on an armchair engrossed in reading a book.  
  
"You're awake," said Subaru, feeling somewhat silly for stating the obvious.  
  
Kakyou looked up. "Ah, Sumeragi-san. I thought perhaps you weren't coming back." He carefully marked his place with a piece of cloth and closed the book.  
  
"I keep my promises," said Subaru. "The job just took longer than I expected, that's all."  
  
Kakyou shrugged, as if it didn't bother him either way.  
  
"Can you walk?" asked Subaru.   
  
The dreamgazer shook his head. "The nurse gave me some exercises to do and the number of a physiotherapist, but I don't have the means to attend regular sessions. And Fuuma ordered the nurse never to come back."   
  
"Fuuma won't help you?" asked Subaru, puzzled. The dark 'kamui' had seemed inordinately fond of his pet dreamgazer.  
  
"I don't think he realises there is a problem," said Kakyou, slowly. "He's very busy."  
  
Subaru frowned. "May I have the number?" Kakyou handed it to him and Subaru went outside to make the call. When he returned, he found Kakyou reading again. "I made you an appointment for Thursday, which is the earliest I could get. He told me he does house calls, so I gave him my address."  
  
Kakyou raised an eyebrow. "I didn't think you would be so eager to give away the address of the Sakurazukamori."  
  
Subaru shrugged. "The warding on that house is enough to keep away anything short of the devil himself. I think I'll be safe from a physiotherapist."  
  
He thought he saw Kakyou smile.  
  
"So, will you come with me? I've called a taxi."  
  
Kakyou nodded, wordlessly.  
  
As he gently lifted the dreamgazer out of the chair, Subaru reflected that Kakyou was a lot lighter than he had expected. He also sensed Kakyou was more than a little annoyed at this undignified method of travel but too polite to say anything about it.  
  
"If you don't mind my asking, Sumeragi-san," said a voice as they walked down the hall, "where are you going with my dreamgazer?"  
  
At least Fuuma didn't seem angry. Amused, though and perhaps a bit peeved. Still, Subaru found himself at a loss for words.  
  
"I am not," said Kakyou stiffly, "your dreamgazer."  
  
Subaru looked forwards and backwards between the two of them and winced internally, unconsciously tightening his hold on Kakyou. Taking a deep breath, he told Fuuma he would send a forwarding address and headed for the doors without another word.  
  


~ * ~  


  
As far as Kakyou was concerned, they couldn't have left City Hall fast enough. Subaru, at least, had the sense to realise this.  
  
If there was one thing he could not abide by, it was being regarded as a possession. Oh, he was thankful to Fuuma for getting him out of that musty hole provided by his family, but that did not make him Fuuma's own. He was determined to mean more to the world than just the sum of his powers.  
  
He muttered something of the sort to Subaru during the taxi ride.  
  
"He used to tell me I was his," said Subaru, dully. "But it never bothered me that much, because I knew he was right. My heart belonged to him."  
  
Kakyou stared at him, startled out of his funk. "Why?" he asked, eventually. "He did nothing to deserve it."  
  
Subaru shook his head in some bitter amusement, slumping against the door of the taxi and running his hands through his hair in a somewhat nervous gesture. "First love," he said, as if this explained everything, "is always the strongest. And it is destined to end in a broken heart.  
  
"Second love hurts less, because by the time you can love again you know not to let all your heart go. But I never got over my first love, so he kept my heart in a little box beside him and crushed it a little more whenever we should meet." He paused. "What an odd metaphor. What I mean is, he knew I still loved him and he was determined to use that against me. But I don't think he could ever understand what his own feelings were, except that he wanted me to be his and his alone."  
  
Kakyou regarded him thoughtfully for a moment, and then turned back to the window.  
  
"Tell me," said Subaru, suddenly, "do you love this Tokyo?"  
  
He blinked in surprise. "I've never had the chance to know this Tokyo." He had, after all, spent almost his entire life trapped indoors. His one foray into the outside world had only resulted in a gunshot wound and the death of the one he loved most.  
  
Subaru looked at him in some surprise. "Well. When you're strong enough, remind me to take you around the city."  
  
"Do I get to meet your tree?" he asked, not quite able to keep the bitterness out of his tone.  
  
Subaru looked hurt. "There is true beauty in this city, Kakyou-san. Not everything beautiful in this city is tainted with blood."  
  
Kakyou remained silent.  
  
"Look," continued Subaru with a sigh, "I'm not asking for your approval. But I've made my decision now. I have been given this city as my inheritance from two different clans and I intend to see it safely through to the next century."  
  
To Kakyou's relief, the taxi driver suddenly tapped irritably on the screen that separated them. "Is this the place?" he asked.  
  
Subaru glanced out the window, and nodded. He got to pay the taxi driver, and then opened Kakyou's door to help him out.  
  
Seishirou's house was a very traditional affair, with neatly arranged gardens in some need of attention. "Didn't he hire a gardener?" asked Kakyou, without thinking.  
  
Subaru set Kakyou down on the front step to remove his shoes. "I don't know. He didn't really seem the gardening type, so I suppose he must have."  
  
"You didn't really know him very well at all, did you?" marvelled Kakyou.  
  
The Sumeragi shrugged. "He never gave me the chance."  
  
"It's easier to love a person when you don't know them..." ventured Kakyou.  
  
"I expect that's what he figured, yes," said Subaru, lifting Kakyou into his arms again and carrying him into the house.  
  
The inside of the house was much like the outside - stuffy and traditional. His own family had been far too focussed on tradition, which had resulted in Kakyou developing a healthy distaste for it. "When you've been locked up your whole life because that's traditionally what is done with dreamgazers," he had told Hokuto, "you quickly learn that tradition is nothing more than a means of control and preventing change."  
  
When he repeated those words to Subaru, the onmyouji looked thoughtful. "It's a way of keeping yourself safe, I think. If you follow tradition to the letter, you never have to make a decision on your own are therefore safe from blame should something go wrong." He smiled, sadly. "My grandmother raised my sister and I according to tradition and no one would ever dream of blaming her for how we turned out."  
  
"Your sister was..." Kakyou paused, trying to find a polite turn of phrase. "Not the traditional sort," he finished, diplomatically.  
  
Subaru smiled and set him down on one of the sofas that looked out on the back garden. Camelias, he noted, and small water garden. Very pretty.  
  
"Well, neither are we, else neither of us would be here now, would we?" said Subaru, in a matter-of-fact tone.   
  
"I wonder, though, how much of the reason we are what we are is because of her," mused Kakyou.   
  
Subaru did not reply. 


	3. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three  
**  
"Nice place you have here," Subaru overheard the physiotherapist say when he arrived on Thursday morning.  
  
"It's Subaru's inheritance," said Kakyou, blandly.  
  
It really was his, too. Seishirou's will named him sole beneficiary and since nobody knew the truth of how the man had really died, Seishirou's lawyer had contacted Subaru and informed him of the terms of his "inheritance". The Sakurazuka ancestral home, a flat downtown and far more money than Subaru would ever need.   
  
Not to mention the black Subaru sports car out the front. He made a note to kick it next time he felt the urge.   
  
The gardener must have quit when he was informed of the master of the house's death. Subaru made another note to track down whom it was and hire the person again.  
  
Satisfied that Kakyou would be safe in the hands of the physiotherapist, Subaru headed out to do some shopping.  
  
The supermarket was very busy, and the normality of it all took him quite by surprise. Still, it took him several moments before he realised the strange looks people gave him if their eyes should meet were because of his eyes. Trying not to blush at being the centre of attention, he made a note to buy some glasses like Fuuma's and continued with his grocery shopping.  
  
Cooking... Had Seishirou-san had a cook? He doubted it. He idly wondered what kind of foods Kakyou liked. Maybe tonight he would make sukiyaki.  
  
"My, aren't we being domestic?"  
  
Subaru jumped and turned around quickly. "Fuuma-I-mean-Kamui," he said, with extreme patience, "what are you doing in a supermarket?"  
  
"Actually, I was looking for you. And before you ask, I wasn't _looking_ here. This is just where I happened to find you."  
  
"Well, here I am. What did you need me for?"  
  
"You took my dreamgazer." He pouted. "Now who am I supposed to talk to?"  
  
Subaru rolled his eyes, and put a package of rice into the cart.  
  
"And that even after what happened to Seishirou..." Fuuma trailed off as Subaru's hand reached for his throat.  
  
"Don't," Subaru spat out, "you _dare_ talk of him in front of me like that. I couldn't care less about keeping you entertained. This is my city. I won't let you destroy it simply on a whim."  
  
"I think you're in the wrong position to be displaying such sentiments, Sumeragi-san," said Fuuma, smugly.  
  
Subaru gave him a long look. "Is humanity worth saving? It's not. Not in any way. But you don't see that. Tell me, 'Kamui', why don't you believe humanity is worth saving?"  
  
Fuuma opened his mouth, and then closed it again. Then, he turned around and walked off. "We'll meet again, Sumeragi-san. Destiny wills it to be so."  
  
" 'Destiny wills it to be so' is not an answer, 'Kamui'," muttered Subaru, feeling inexplicably saddened by the conversation. He systematically finished his shopping and paid for it with Seishirou's credit card.  
  
Subaru dropped by the Post Office to check the mail in Seishirou's post-office box on the way home. Two cheques, a bill, and a letter from his lawyer. He opened them as soon as he got home.   
  
The bill was for the electricity, and the cheques were from the government in payment for his 'work'. He had to admit the Sakurazukamori was well paid.  
  
The envelope from the lawyer contained another envelope, this one addressed in familiar handwriting to "My dear Subaru-kun." Frowning, he tore it open with his finger and began to read.  
  
"_Dearest Subaru-kun,  
  
"If you are reading this letter, you have succeeded my position and come to live in my ancestral home, so I feel I owe you an explanation as to what caused me to go so willingly into death.  
  
"Oddly enough, it was something I did that started it - I gave into my temptation and took you to bed. You did not resist. In retrospect perhaps I should have questioned that, but at the time it never occurred to me that you could love me and not want to sleep with me."_  
  
Subaru walked into the living room where Kakyou now sat, long legs crossed and engrossed in a book, and settled himself on the couch next to the dreamgazer.  
  
"_You were always open to sex.  
  
"It was about a week ago that I realised that was all it was to you; that you gave me your body but nothing more than that.   
  
"And I realised that that was because you really did hate me, even though I believe you to still be in love with me. This is a thought I simply can not bear, yet I can not bring myself to surrender your heart._"  
  
Subaru dropped the letter. "No," he said, quietly, desperately, "you're wrong. I didn't hate you. I never hated you. I couldn't hate you... But it never _meant anything_ to me that we slept together, because I knew it didn't mean anything to _you_. You were wrong! You died because of a misunderstanding! I _killed _you!"  
  
Kakyou must have picked up the letter after Subaru dropped it, because he was reading it. When he was finished, he leant over to put a hand on Subaru's shoulder. "He had never had emotions of his own before. He could never be expected to understand. It's not your fault."  
  
"He _died_," insisted Subaru, "because he thought I hated him!"  
  
"He died because it suited him to do so, just like everything else he ever did in his life," said Kakyou. "If he said he only killed your sister because she asked him to, he was lying. He killed her because it suited him. If he had not wanted her to die, he wouldn't have killed her."  
  
"But... my Wish..."   
  
"Your Wish was never granted because he didn't want you to die, Subaru," said Kakyou, in a patient tone.  
  
"_You asked me so many times why I didn't just kill you and get it over with. I could never do that, Subaru-kun, because I realised you did not truly lose the bet. I thought I felt nothing for you, but I could not bring myself to kill you, therefore logically I must be feeling something for you.   
  
"So, I only took half your life."_  
  


~ * ~  


  
Kakyou was very, very annoyed.  
  
Subaru might never have been able to bring himself to hate Sakurazuka Seishirou, but Kakyou had no such issues. He hated the man with a passion.  
  
The man's recent interference certainly did nothing to lessen the fires of his hatred. Just as Subaru was finally beginning to come to terms with himself, as well. Even after death, Seishirou toyed with the Sumeragi's feelings.  
  
Kakyou wanted to hit him. Hard.  
  
Subaru had left in silence, not long after throwing the letter into the fire. The Sumeragi had sat and watched it burn to ashes, all the while surrounded by an aura of insane grief. It was raining outside and Kakyou did not like to think where he might have gone.  
  
With little else to do and no easy way to move around the house, should he wish to do something else, Kakyou returned to his reading.  
  
Kakyou had taken to studying books on onmyoujitsu in his spare time, of which he had lots. The pile of unread books Subaru had left him when he went out for the day had dwindled to a small stack of books he really didn't feel like reading, so he had requested his physiotherapist fetch him some down from Seishirou's bookshelf.  
  
The kind of magical exercises detailed in the first of these books were perfect for Kakyou's own small gift. He learnt wards - nothing strong enough to physically keep a being from crossing them, but enough that he would know if something tried to breach them.  
  
Now he flicked through them, hunting for some way of reaching Subaru. Perhaps the small birds, like Hinoto used...  
  
Hinoto. Now there was a problem to think about deeply...  
  
But not now. He needed to concentrate for this. In neat, slow calligraphy he wrote the appropriate characters on some ofuda he had found within the pages of one of the books, although the resulting exhaustion made it barely seem worth the effort. The spell required him to throw the slips of paper and transform them into shikigami before they hit the ground, which he was just about to do when somebody opened the door.  
  
Kakyou fell over backwards in surprise.  
  
"What are doing?" asked Subaru, with interest. Noticing his predicament, the Sumeragi helped him up and then sat back on his heels, obviously expecting an answer.  
  
The dreamgazer felt his cheeks grow hot. "I found these books," he said, uncomfortably.  
  
Subaru looked at them. "These aren't mine..." he said, slowly. "Where did you find them?"  
  
"They were in one of the bookcases. I told my physiotherapist to get them for me," explained Kakyou, attempting to sound apologetic but not being particularly successful.  
  
"Have you ever done magic before?"  
  
Kakyou shook his head. "Only the magic that applies to my dreamscape."  
  
"You have to be very careful that you write the spells accurately," said Subaru, seriously. "One mistake can dramatically change the outcome of a spell."  
  
"So I gather," said Kakyou, thinking of the extensive warnings in the books he had read.  
  
Subaru cocked his head in thought. "I could teach you, if you like."  
  
Kakyou blinked at him. Subaru looked embarrassed.   
  
"I think," said Kakyou slowly, "that I would like that." 


	4. Chapter Four

**Chapter Four**  
  
The post-Christmas sales made the streets of Tokyo crowded, and Subaru was forced to weave his way through hordes of eager shoppers in order to reach his destination.  
  
Kakyou and he had spent Christmas day just enjoying the feeling of sharing the warmth from the fireplace with another person. He'd forgotten how nice it was to just sit around all day, talking of nothing. He had played the "normal" game, as they had called it, enough with his sister when they were young to have developed a great envy for those without responsibilities like his.  
  
The dreamgazer had been growing increasingly twitchy over the past few days, causing Subaru to hastily re-evaluate his life. Today's journey was the result of one of those decisions.  
  
The Tree might be what makes the Sakurazukamori the _Sakura_zukamori, but Subaru wasn't going to Ueno Park in order to pay his respects. He was there to make amends.  
  
"Kamui..." he said to the young man leaning against an innocent tree, "I want to apologise. I caused you lots of pain and it wasn't fair of me to hurt you just because I was hurting."  
  
Kamui looked up. "Subaru, I--"  
  
"No. Don't say anything, just listen, Kamui. Don't kick yourself internally because you couldn't save me. I'm alive. And I'm the closest to happy I have ever been in nine years." He couldn't help but smile at Kamui's shocked expression. "I'm not insane, Kamui. But I do want you to know this: My wish was for Seishirou to kill me. You didn't know that, did you?"   
  
Kamui shook his head.  
  
"I was wrong about a lot of things, Kamui. Just because you wish for something with all your heart doesn't mean it is right for you. I want you to remember that. And I'm sorry I can't be the kind of person you want me to be."  
  
Kamui was silent. Feeling he had said all he could, Subaru began to walk away.  
  
"I was in love with you. Did you know that, Subaru?"  
  
Subaru stopped.  
  
"And I thought you understood. I thought we understood _each other_. But you throw away everything you ever were for the sake of a dead man's Wish and then have the nerve to come here and tell me I should do the same."  
  
"Kamui, that's not what I was saying at all," said Subaru, calmly.  
  
"Why should I listen to you? You're _happy_ being like him! Is it better to be able to kill and not regret than to face your own pain, Subaru? Is that what you figure?" Kamui yelled.  
  
"I am not, nor will I ever be, "like" Seishirou-san," interrupted Subaru, stiffly. Funny, how he'd almost forgotten that Kamui was still a sixteen-year-old boy at heart and just as inclined to lash out with anger when hurt as any of his ilk.   
  
Kamui sniffed in disbelief, but didn't say anything.  
  
"Do you really hate me so much?" asked Subary, softly. "I truly never meant to hurt you, Kamui. It was just selfishness, to presume that I could do what I liked and not have it affect other people." Subaru took a step closer. "My pain is not the same as yours," he said, echoing his words of months ago, "and you are strong enough to deal with your pain. I was never strong enough to let go."  
  
"So, I was right. You only care for yourself. I was stupid to think otherwise," said Kamui, turning away.  
  
Subaru walked up to him and took Kamui's scarred hands in his own. "Oh, no, Kamui. I don't care for myself at all. If I'd cared about myself I would have accepted the gift of your heart. But I won't, because _I'm not him_. And it wouldn't make you happy."  
  
Kamui looked at him blankly.  
  
Brushing the boy's perpetually unkempt hair out of his eyes, the onmyouji bent over to kiss Kamui on the lips.  
  
Subaru had spent several months in the arms of a man he could not afford to let himself love. He knew exactly how to kiss so that it meant nothing; how to empty one's heart of any feeling without dimishing the physical effects of love-making.  
  
Perhaps he was being cruel to the boy, breaking his heart like this. Even the best of intentions couldn't lessen the pain of knowing the one you loved with all your heart cared for you not.  
  
"Promise me something, Kamui?" he said, brushing tears off the boy's cheek. "Don't ever lose sight of why you are fighting. There's a reason you were given that choice. You're strong enough to make that decision and strong enough to fight for it."  
  
"But I don't want to kill Fuuma," said Kamui in a small voice.  
  
"_That_," said Subaru firmly, "is not Fuuma. That is a tool of destiny. Nothing more, nothing less. He is very powerful, but you are Kamui. You have a reason to fight."  
  
"My strength lies in emotion?"  
  
"Your strength lies in _conviction_. You know why you really chose what you did. Now, make that wish come true."  
  
He resisted the temptation to disappear in a cloud of sakura petals, and simply walked away. He didn't look back.  
  
Nevertheless, he found it extremely difficult to sleep that night.  
  


~ * ~  


  
When the knock on the door sounded, Subaru was alone in his apartment. Puzzled, he got up to answer it. Seishirou stood there, with a bundle of roses and a box of expensive chocolate. "Hello, Subaru-kun," he said, with a gentle smile.  
  
Subaru was surprised, but he tried not to let it show. "Seishirou-san," he said, with a smile of his own. "It's nice to see you."  
  
Seishirou kissed him on the forehead. "Now, do you have something so ordinary as a vase around here?" he said, handing the flowers and chocolate over as he removed his coat and shoes.  
  
Subaru nodded, and hunted around in the cupboards until he found it - a simple crystal vase, but enough for the roses. He was slightly puzzled. There was some reason Seishirou couldn't be here, wasn't there? He was certain there was.   
  
"The chocolate is for you," the older man added.  
  
"Thank you very much," said Subaru, politely.  
  
Seishirou took him in his arms and kissed him, on the lips this time.   
  
It was a very long kiss. By the end of it, they were in Subaru's bedroom although he had no idea how they had reached it.  
  
"I love you," said Seishirou, warm honey eyes softening with emotion, "so much."  
  
They kissed again. Seishirou held him close, tightly and warmly. It was the most beautiful feeling Subaru had ever experienced. Still, when Seishirou's hands started drifting lower, he stiffened in apprehension.  
  
"Don't you trust me, still? I've hurt you so much. I'm so sorry." Warm hands cupped his face. "I love you, Sumeragi Subaru. I swear I will never hurt you again."  
  
When Subaru woke up to find himself alone in a different bed, with the morning sunlight lighting up paper walls, he left the house in silence.   
  
Somebody would die today.   
  


~ * ~  


  
When Subaru walked into the living room that evening, his hands were red from scrubbing. Kakyou looked at them significantly. "Do we feel better now that we've killed a few innocents?" he asked, sourly.  
  
Subaru shrugged. "Some people don't deserve to live. Those are the ones I kill. I don't kill innocents."  
  
Kakyou looked at him critically. "Are you okay?"  
  
"I wonder," said Subaru, very softly. "I'm not really sure."  
  
Kakyou just looked at him, silently willing him to go on.  
  
"I can't forget him. Even after all the horrible things he did, I can't stop loving him and I can't seem to let go. Does that make me a bad person, Kakyou-san?"  
  
The dreamgazer shook his head. "No. Just obsessed."  
  
He laughed, bitterly. "Did you know, I told Kamui I was happy? Happy, when the very thought of him brings me close to tears..."  
  
"There are very few people in this world that I would describe as evil, but the former Sakurazukamori was one of them," ventured Kakyou, hoping to distract him.  
  
Subaru frowned. "What about Fuuma?" he asked, thinking of Kamui's heartbroken form; his innocent but heartfelt determination to get "Fuuma" back.  
  
Kakyou shook his head. "Fuuma is simply a tool - in the most literal sense of the world." He smiled, slightly. "One almost has to admire him for finding something enjoyable in his life despite that."  
  
Subaru thought about it for a moment. "I still don't like him."  
  
"And I admit, perhaps I was a bit biased against the Sakurazukamori, since I was in love with... her..." he trailed off, uncertainly. He hadn't meant to say that.  
  
Subaru blinked. "You were in love with my sister?"   
  
Kakyou nodded, slowly.   
  
"Did you ever tell her?"  
  
Kakyou shook his head. "I meant to, but I never got the chance..." he trailed off, uncomfortably.  
  
Subaru sighed. "I wish you had. I think part of the reason she was so desperate to get Seishirou-san and I together was because she was so lonely herself in that respect. She was always so convinced nobody could ever love her because she was so loud and impolite."  
  
Kakyou looked away. "I saw what was going to happen. I was shot trying to save her. I'm sorry."   
  
Subaru shook his head. "It's not your fault. At least you tried. I didn't even know what was going on until it was too late..." Frowning, he shook off the mood. "But, you know, I don't agree with you. I don't think he was evil. Seishirou-san was just... inhuman. He didn't understand human emotions at all and his own were so warped, so twisted, that they were really no basis for comparison."   
  
"Inhuman isn't that much better," said Kakyou. "And ignorance is not an excuse."  
  
The Sumeragi sighed. "Perhaps it isn't, at that. See, even now I defend him."   
  
"It doesn't matter," said Kakyou. "What's done is done, and he's dead now."  
  
Subaru looked down. "Yes."  
  
Kakyou shifted his gaze to the window that faced onto the garden. They sat in companionable silence for some time, just watching the snow falling softly in the garden.  
  
"It'll all be over soon," he said, softly. 


	5. Chapter Five / Epilogue

**Chapter Five  
  
**Kakyou was feeling very twitchy indeed. The sun rising outside looked just like any other day, not the last day of 1999. He hadn't heard anything of Fuuma's plans, but was expecting him to appear any minute now.  
  
When he arrived, the Dark Kamui didn't even bother to knock. He just opened the door, marched in and scooped Kakyou into his arms.  
  
"You could at least tell me what you expect me to do," muttered Kakyou as he was dumped unceremoniously in the back seat of the white sportscar Fuuma had presumably stolen.  
  
Fuuma started the engine and drove off with a squeal of tires. "You've been learning onmyoujitsu from Subaru, yes?"  
  
Kakyou nodded.  
  
"So, I want you to use your new-found skills to keep that other nosey dreamgazer out of our way."  
  
"Oh." Kakyou paused for a moment as Fuuma drifted a tight corner. "Do you think she's likely to cause trouble?"  
  
"Kanoe says 'almost definitely'," replied Fuuma, expertly navigating between lanes and traffic on the main roads of Tokyo. Kakyou didn't even _want_ to think about where he had learned to drive. He was almost certain Fuuma was way too young to have a license.  
  
"Besides," continued the Dark Kamui, "it's the final battle. You have to be there."  
  
Kakyou bit back a rude comment about Destiny, and stared out the window blankly. He would have given almost anything, at that moment, for the strength to just open the door at the next traffic light and walk away from it all.  
  
"Tell me," said Fuuma, suddenly, "what do I need to do to win this battle?"  
  
Kakyou closed his eyes. He had been expecting this question. "I don't know," he said, hating to admit it. "All I know is that I die before the battle is over."  
  
He felt the acceleration of the car drop suddenly, and then slowly begin to pick up again. "I see," said Fuuma, slowly.  
  
"Still, I guess that lets you off the hook," continued Kakyou, attempting to make light of the situation.  
  
Fuuma's response was so quiet Kakyou barely heard it. "But... Your Wish has changed."  
  
The rest of the journey passed in silence.  
  
Tokyo Tower stood tall and forbidding against the pink of dawn. Fuuma parked the car crookedly across three parking bays and lifted Kakyou out of the car.  
  
Outside the car, the air was bitterly cold. Fuuma held him close as he walked to the base of the tower, displaying that rare tenderness he only ever showed to Kakyou and Nataku.  
  
"Kakyou..." began Fuuma.  
  
Kakyou looked up at him, quizzically.  
  
Fuuma shook himself, as if shaking off a strange mood. "Nothing. Just... Good luck." He squeezed Kakyou's shoulder gently and took his leave of the Dreamgazer.  
  
Kakyou composed himself in meditation, shutting out the cold silence of the outside world and focussing his attention entirely on the dream realm.  
  
He would be the first she tried to attack. Once he was out of the picture, there would be no further obstacles in her way.  
  
The instant she crossed the barrier, Kakyou knew. He threw up a wall in her way and waited to see how she would react.  
  
She tore it down easily, sending a flock of shikigami at him in retaliation. He was barely able to shield in time.  
  
The other dreamgazer had far more experience with the more physical kinds of magic, even if they were equally matched in their control of the Dreamscape. Before the fight had even really began, he knew he was outclassed.  
  
So, this was it. The future really could not be changed.  
  
Kakyou had never been able to see past his own death, but he knew, nonetheless, that the manner of his death could also affect the future. If, for example, she were trapped within his mind when he died...  
  
Slowly, carefully, he began to weave a trap.  
  


~ * ~  


  
Subaru got home from his job at dawn to find the door wrenched half off its hinges. "Kakyou?" he said in a small voice, knowing the house was empty.   
  
There was, of course, only one place the dreamgazer could be. Muttering to himself at the indignity of it all, Sumeragi Subaru grabbed Seishirou's keys and ran to the black Subaru in the yard.  
  
Thankful that it was still quite early and the streets were not terribly crowded, he made fairly good time to Tokyo Tower. He parked beside a badly-parked car and leapt out without even bothering to lock the door.  
  
He knew, somehow, that the dreamgazer hadn't a chance of survival in this battle. He could only kick himself mentally for not having realised it sooner and done something to stop Fuuma from taking Kakyou.  
  
Just 100 metres from the tower, Subaru ran straight into an impenetrable barrier.  
  
"No... I don't understand, I should be allowed through..." he whispered, bewildered. Pressing his hands flat against the kekkai, he slumped to his knees in front of it. Feeling the familiar pulling of a dreamscape, Subaru surrendered to it gladly.  
  
"This isn't your battle, Sumeragi-san," said the formless figure he met inside.  
  
"But I'm a Dragon of Earth!" he protested.  
  
"You've done your duty as a Dragon adequately. _This_ is not your battle. Your duty is to the city."  
  
"The city...?"  
  
"Protect it. Reinforce the kekkai, make sure none of this reaches the outside world."  
  
"But if the Dragons of Earth win..."  
  
"More will be killed than just people if the city is destroyed, Sumeragi-san. And if they lose it will make all the difference. This is your city, Sumeragi-san."  
  
The dreamscape melted away before his eyes. He could feel the kekkai in front of him weakening, and instinctively threw up his own surrounding it. The concentration and power it required to protect an area the size of Tokyo was incredible, far beyond what he would have thought possible.  
  
When the inner kekkai collapsed, it took all he had just to keep his own up. And when the battle was over, he wasn't certain who had won or lost. All he knew was that he was very, very tired, and that the world was going dark in front of his eyes.  
  
But the city was safe. Yes, the city was protected...  
  
Subaru closed his eyes.  
  


~ * ~  


**Epilogue**  
  
Subaru opened his eyes. "Where am I?" he asked, confused.  
  
"You are on the threshold. You have a choice - to live or die."  
  
"I... I don't understand."  
  
"The battle has been fought. Humanity will live. All that fought for the Earth and died are given this choice - to die in peace, or to live. However, they are given one condition: they must give up the power that made them special. They will all be given a normal life."  
  
Subaru frowned. "But..."  
  
"Yours, however, is a special case. You are neither a true Dragon of Heaven nor of Earth, just as you are neither a true Sumeragi nor Sakurazukamori. You are, in affect, the living Balance."  
  
"If I don't go back, there will be no Sakurazukamori..."  
  
"There is no 14th head of the Sumeragi Clan."  
  
"There isn't? But... My grandmother..." he trailed off into silence.  
  
"Is dead. She was the last."  
  
"But without the Sumeragi, the dead will continue to torment the living. The Sumeragi are necessary!"  
  
"As is the Sakurazukamori. So, we give you this proposal: You will return to Earth and undertake both roles, but only so far as it pertains to the corruption of the barrier between life and death. You will pass this role on to whomever you see fit, should it not be your own child. Thus, there will always be a spiritual protector of Japan. It will be a great burden but not one, I think, that you cannot handle."  
  
Subaru closed his eyes in thought. "I accept."  
  
"Very well. To all others but the fourteen, it will be as if the Sumeragi and Sakurazukamori never existed."  
  
When Subaru awoke again, he was in his room at Seishirou's old house, with morning sunlight streaming through the window. Slowly, he got up. He didn't _think_ it had been a dream but he had no way to be sure.  
  
"Kakyou?" he asked. "Kakyou, are you here?"  
  
Of course, if it had been real, Kakyou probably chose to die. The silence in the house only seemed to confirm that suspicion.  
  
He got up to prepare himself some tea. He didn't quite feel like coffee and the cupboard was devoid of anything edible for breakfast.  
  
Subaru almost dropped the pot when he heard the front door open and somebody else enter the kitchen.  
  
"... Kakyou?" he said.  
  
The young man carrying a basket full of groceries looked a little sheepish. "I was hoping to get home before you got up."  
  
"You're walking," was all Subaru could manage.  
  
"Apparently when they gave me my body back they made a few changes. 'You've never been allowed to live before. I want to give you that chance.' Your sister said that to me, many years ago. I decided to accept that chance, when it was offered to me.  
  
"Besides," he added, in a small voice. "I didn't want you to be alone any more."  
  
Subaru put the pot down on the bench and gently took the basket out of Kakyou's hands, following that action by gently drawing the other man into his arms. "Thank you," he said, smiling.   
  
"You can show me your city now," Kakyou murmured into his shoulder. "I'm sure you can make it beautiful for me."  
  
"We'll go to the memorial grounds to feed the pigeons," promised Subaru, "and mourn those that died in the battle."  
  
Both of them knew that neither 'Kamui' had chosen to come back. Of the others, Subaru knew nothing.  
  
"And... I can stay here?" asked Kakyou, suddenly seeming very insecure.  
  
"Of course." Subaru stroked the other man's hair softly. "We took this second chance together, after all."   
  
They stood there in silence for a moment.  
  
"_Do _you love Tokyo, Kakyou-san?" Subaru asked, again.  
  
"Not yet," said Kakyou. "But I'm sure I can learn."  
  
THE END  



End file.
